


Don't Let the Self-Doubt Ruin You

by Fictropes



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009, Established Relationship, Introspection, M/M, self doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:07:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27408541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fictropes/pseuds/Fictropes
Summary: “I’m here.”“Yeah, you’re here.”
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 19
Kudos: 92





	Don't Let the Self-Doubt Ruin You

_2009_

Phil doesn’t know what to do about him. 

He came out of nowhere, entered into his life like a complete whirlwind that Phil had no choice but to get caught up in. 

He’s beautiful, so beautiful Phil can barely stand it sometimes— but Dan doesn’t know it. Doesn’t know how he looks, that he could have anyone he wanted. And sometimes Phil has doubts about it, all of this. Doesn’t want to be around when the penny drops, when Dan realises he can have someone without the bad hair, without the weirdness, without the lack of future plans— just someone else. 

It’s not that he dislikes himself, not that he wakes up and looks in the mirror and wishes he had a better face. He thinks he’s pretty average, but that’s the issue— because when he looks at Dan he sees fucking spectacular. 

And he knows it’s not all about that, about the face. It’s about who you are, how you can make the other person feel— but sometimes he’s scared that Dan makes _him_ feel more. Scared that what he makes Dan feel in return is really nothing at all, a drop in the ocean compared to how Phil’s heart goes just a bit wild whenever he sees his phone light up with Dan’s name. 

So he’ll ignore the way Dan’s face lights up whenever they speak, he’ll ignore the fact Dan was the one to start all of this— he’ll pretend his doubts are valid because if he falls in love right now he just won’t know what to do. 

“Earth to Philip Lester, you are on the fucking moon right now. Come back down, this planet is lonely without you.” 

“There’s like a billion bajillion people there.” 

“Yeah, but none of them are you.”

And it works, a bit. 

But he’d noticed this time, that Phil was too lost in his own head. And if he’s noticing that then he’ll start noticing other things, too. He’ll notice that Phil doesn’t have it all worked out— that he’s just struggling along trying to impress a boy he likes. 

He’ll notice that Phil is lying half of the time— not even on purpose, just saying stuff he hopes will one day be true. He’ll tell Dan he has big plans, he has _confidence._ Maybe if he says them outloud it’ll work, they’ll manifest and he’ll suddenly have enough money in his bank and he’ll— just be fine with himself. 

Sometimes he thinks he’s being selfish, keeping Dan all to himself when he doesn’t really have all that much to offer him— except his heart, except his willingness to try and be the man who Dan thinks he is. 

But then isn’t that how this all works? You become better for the person you love except that he isn’t in love yet— because he can’t be. 

Except that he is in love, he’s in love with Dan because it’s quite impossible not to be. 

And it’ll be painful when it all ends, when the world comes crashing down around his ears because Phil has just spent too long lying, and Dan is destined for greater things than him. But for now it’s fine, because for now he thinks even a minute of Dan Howell makes him the luckiest guy on earth. 

“I’m here.”

  
  
“Yeah, you’re here.”

And he’ll be here for as long as Dan lets him be here, he’ll meet him on the train station and he’ll hope that all his own doubts and fears— everything he thinks about himself— aren’t reflected back to him through Dan’s eyes. 

Maybe he can keep up this charade for a little while longer. He can find a job that pays the bills on somewhere that doesn’t belong to his mum and dad, he can invite Dan over and pretend having his own apartment means having his entire life together. 

And when it happens maybe soon— maybe a few months down the line— he’ll accept it. He’ll accept that who he is needs some more work, and Dan isn’t perfect but at least he never sat there and— _pretended._

“I’m glad you’re here.”

  
  
“Same, if I wasn’t here that would mean I didn’t exist and then I wouldn’t get to talk to you.” 

And he means it. Sometimes he wakes up and the only thing he can think about doing is talking to Dan. Everything else seems overwhelming— job hunting, confronting who he is, talking to his parents about the future (telling his parents who he is).

It all seems overwhelming, but never Dan. And that’s why he can’t give this up, because Dan is his grounding point in an otherwise messy existence. 

He thinks he’ll apologise for it all one day, sit Dan down and tell him he didn’t hang all the stars in the sky— that he doesn’t have it all figured out. 

But for now he’ll sit here and listen to Dan tell his story, watch those expressive hands move around his screen and he’ll— he’ll just _try._

Forever is too big a promise for anyone anyway. 

-

_2020_

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Landlord just called.the let just got agreed on this apartmentwe officially have to be out of here soon on my god .. property ladder

_Did you text me just to tell me that? Come downstairs and tell me, lazy bones. Wanna kiss you_

u come upstairs

_yyyyyy?_

so I can kiss u, Lesterino

_Lesterino?_

Yes. You. kiss. Me. mwah. 

“Oh, you actually came. Thought you were going to pull the whole I have no legs card.” 

Dan’s still here, after eleven years. He’s sat in an apartment that is about to be someone else’s, and he’s still looking at Phil like he single-handedly created the night sky. And these days he feels a little more like he did— no more pretending.

Who he is, actually is, is someone to be proud of. Someone Dan is proud of, and Dan’s the one person on earth who knows him inside and out. 

And Phil’s proud too, now. Looking back he thinks he always should’ve been, past him was trying his hardest and that’s all you can do, isn’t it? Be kind, be nice, try. 

“You ask for kisses, who am I not to comply?”

  
  
Dan meets him halfway— as he always has. In life, in business, in this grand old thing they call a relationship. But it feels like more than a relationship, feels like more than the typical— it’s a thing Phil can never define and he’s honestly past the point of trying. It’s just _them._

He kisses him like he did all those years ago, kisses him with everything he has and Phil kisses back in the exact same way.

“Mortgage people, huh?”

  
  
“Big commitment, sure you don’t want this one last chance to leave before there’s actual legal paperwork involved?”

  
  
Because Phil can’t help it, because the self-doubt didn’t destroy him but sometimes it still lingers around the edges. Sometimes it’ll creep in when he least expects it, when they’re about to do something big and he thinks Dan has to have figured out he was lying at the start even if he’s not lying now.

And Dan is always there to soothe him, to shoo it away until he’s left with the Phil Lester who accepts that he doesn’t know everything, but he also knows that that doesn’t matter. 

“My biggest ever commitment was you, and I think that worked out rather well. Come sign these papers with me, rat.”

Phil smiles. Thinks forever isn’t too big a promise when you’re them. 

**Author's Note:**

> [if u wanna reblog on tumblr! I always appreciate it :)](https://fictropes.tumblr.com/post/633987962735067136/dont-let-the-self-doubt-ruin-you-complete-1265)
> 
> my head said if you're writing a dan version of introspection then u have to write a phil one TOOOOOO >:(
> 
> as always lemme know what you think (and just another thanks for being so so lovely about my last fic!!!!I was a bit scared to post it but the reception was ahh!!! you're all so great ;_;


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